Fashion Don’ts

If you have a tummy, you are absolutely not encouraged to wear short little sweaters with longer tops. The reason? It will make you look pregnant and perfect strangers might approach you and ask you when you are due. Do not take it personally if they do, it’s your own fault for not listening to helpful advice.

No bare legs in winter. (unless of course, you are in a warm climate). Again, the reason is very simple. Your hair follicles will stand out when and if you walk outside and your legs will look uglier than they actually are. Despite what you may have been told, “Goosebumps” are not sexy.

Britney Spears might have been in the Mickey Mouse club, but that does not mean that you have to wear Mickey Mouse style glasses, even if they are in fashion. It doesn’t make you look cool- it makes you look absolutely ridiculous.

 

  Even if you are flat-chested, wear a bra to work because you probably  do not want all of your co-workers to look at your nipples all day. Save them for the beach instead.

Fashions Do’s

If you have a flat ass, wear jeans with pockets. If you have a bigger butt (to be politically correct), the experts contend that jeans without pockets minimize the size. Also, if you are trying on jeans, it is imperative you go shopping with someone who you trust (not your boyfriend because he will lie bc he has to) about how your butt actually looks. If your friend is jealous of you or wants to be better looking than you are, she may lie and tell you your ass looks fantastic when the reality is your butt looks the size of Texas, so trust is absolutely necessary.

If you are into celebrity fashion, try to follow the fashions of someone with the same body style as you have. For example, if you weigh more than 95 pounds, Gwynth Paltrow might not be the perfect person to model your fashions after.

Dress a little younger than your age. Even if you have kids or are approaching big life mile-stones, you do not have to dress like a frumpy Grandma. The key is recognizing your assets and showing them off whenever possible.

And, as everybody knows, if you wear the same color from your heel to your toes, you will instantly lose weight. Or it will look like it. Or something like that.